How to help an alcoholic
It's never too late to seek help. Call us and discover how we can assist you.
With around 602,000 adults in the UK dependent on alcohol, and alcohol-related harm causing over 7,000 deaths annually in the UK (National Audit Office), understanding how to support someone with alcoholism has never been more important.
Supporting people with alcoholism can be very challenging. Caregivers can often face emotional stress, burnout and strained relationships.
However, with the right strategies in place, you can help an alcoholic navigate their condition and access the help they need to begin their recovery.
Join our expert psychiatrist, Priory's Dr Renju Joseph, as he outlines the key elements of helping a friend, spouse, or other family member as they struggle with alcohol addiction - informed by years of experience treating people with addiction issues.
Understanding alcoholism and its effects
Alcoholism differs from casual alcohol use in several key ways.
Casual alcohol use involves moderate, controlled drinking without dependence or harmful effects on daily life. Casual drinkers can stop or limit their consumption without difficulty, while those with alcoholism cannot manage this.
Alcohol addiction is a chronic disease. Sufferers experience strong cravings and a physical and/or psychological dependence on alcohol. They cannot control their drinking despite the negative consequences. This often leads to an increased tolerance of alcohol, meaning more is required to achieve the same effects, as well as withdrawal symptoms when not drinking alcohol.
Spotting the signs of alcoholism isn’t always easy, as sufferers may hide their alcohol abuse, even from their partners. The following are all common behavioural signs to look out for, that may suggest your loved one has an issue with alcohol:
- They’re unable to function on a daily basis, without having a drink
- They’re experiencing issues at work or in their personal life
- Their behaviour is out of character
- They’re experiencing financial difficulties
- Their relationship has broken down
- They engage in constant or binge drinking
- They’re withdrawing socially and becoming increasingly isolated
- They’re secretive about their whereabouts and drinking habits
- They drink alone
Opening the conversation
The first step is to start the conversation. It’s not an easy subject to bring up but try to be honest and open with your loved one about your concerns. Sometimes, people with alcoholism don’t realise the impact their behaviour is having on others.
Let them know that you want to help and are there to support them. Speaking about it together can be the catalyst for them seeking help.
Preparing for the conversation
Select a time and place that’s private and where the person feels relaxed. Make sure you speak to them when they’re sober (or at their least intoxicated) and when you’re unlikely to be interrupted.
Practise what you want to say in a positive and supportive way - prioritise empathy and show compassion.
Setting boundaries
Decide on any boundaries you want to set beforehand. This can include what you are no longer willing to do to hide their problems, or protect them from their drinking.
Examples can include calling the police if they continue to drink while drunk, or taking children elsewhere if you know they’ve been drinking.
Let them know you’ll no longer enable their behaviours – i.e. not hiding their problems from others, or protecting them from the reality of daily life. Examples include not calling their work to say they’re sick when they have a hangover, and not giving them money to buy alcohol.
Communicate your boundaries clearly. They may be angry or upset about this, but stay calm and do not backtrack on your set boundaries.
Listen and be compassionate
Place the focus on you rather than them so they don’t feel attacked or ambushed. You could say things like “I’m worried about you” or “I’m concerned about the amount you’re drinking” – this will make it more likely they’ll be able to open up to you.
Let them know that you care about them and you want to support them to get better. Listen compassionately, then express your concerns with kindness.
Remain calm
Try to remain relaxed and focused during the conversation. This isn’t always easy. If you find yourself becoming stressed or anxious, breathing exercises can help you relax.
Don’t get angry, blame or punish them, and avoid raising your voice.
Prepare for the next steps
Plan for a negative reaction, but don’t respond in a hostile way. Keep the conversation as calm as possible.
Be prepared to walk away from the conversation if your loved one gets angry or defensive. You can always come back to it another time. Giving them the space and time they need to accept they have a problem is all part of the process.
People with an alcohol addiction may not respond to this type of conversation immediately. They may be in denial about their addiction so it may take repeated conversations before they’re prepared to accept that their drinking is a problem.
Just be sure to approach any further conversations with the same kindness and compassion.
‘Dos and don’ts’ of what to say to an alcoholic
What to say to someone with alcoholism
If your loved one feels comfortable discussing their alcoholism, use active listening techniques to express concern and show you understand how they. You could use phrases such as:
- How can I help you?
- I’ve noticed you seem to be struggling lately and I’m here if you want to talk.
- It sounds like things have been tough for you.
- I’ve read about some treatment options that might help you. Would you be open to looking into them together?
What not to say to someone with alcoholism
There are things you should try and avoid saying too. In general, try not to shame, blame, minimise or judge. Don't say things like:
- Why can’t you just stop?
- You’re ruining everything!
- It’s not that big a deal
- Just use some self-control.
- If you don’t stop drinking, we’re over.
Supporting an alcoholic in treatment
Once your loved one has acknowledged their alcohol use is an issue, encouraging them to get help for their alcohol addiction is the next step.
You could support them by making an appointment with their GP and offering to go with them for moral support. Their GP will be able to assess their symptoms and drinking habits, and make recommendations for the next steps.
Addiction treatment options include detox, counselling and rehab. Finding the right fit will depend on factors such as whether you are looking for NHS or private treatment, how helpful it would be to stay away from home while receiving treatment, and whether you need medical supervision while detoxing.
There are also a number of helpful tools you can use, to determine whether your loved one might be showing signs of alcohol addiction. An online alcohol test can help you determine whether someone has a genuine problem with alcohol.
For immediate advice and support, you could also call a free helpline:
- Drinkline is the national alcohol helpline and calls are confidential - 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm).
- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) offers advice and support - 0800 9177 650 or email [email protected]
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone with their alcohol addiction can be a distressing and exhausting experience. It’s important to try to find ways to look after yourself too, so you have enough strength and energy to help your loved one.
Set aside some time for yourself each day to do something relaxing or enjoyable. This could be listening to your favourite music, taking a hot bath or doing some exercise. Try to get enough sleep and make sure that you’re eating healthily.
Speak to someone you trust about what you’re going through. As well as offering words of advice, they can help you to support the person with the drinking problem. Having a network of people around you that you can rely on will be incredibly important for both your wellbeing and theirs.
Friends and family members sometimes find it helpful to get some therapy for themselves, to help them make sense of the situation. You could also share your experiences with others in a similar position. Al-Anon and Families Anonymous both offer support groups for the friends and family of people addicted to alcohol.
