You share something you’re proud of and immediately check whether anyone has responded. Your partner tells you everything is fine, but an hour later you need them to tell you that again. When your manager praises your work, you feel great but the feeling fades quickly and you’re left wondering whether you’re actually doing well.
If you recognise this pattern, you might be wondering whether you’re “addicted” to validation. Wanting other people to notice, appreciate and reassure you is completely normal. The difficulty comes when their reactions start determining how you feel about yourself, and the relief you get from reassurance never seems to last.
What is validation, and why does it feel good?
Validation means having your feelings, experiences or efforts acknowledged and accepted by other people.
Everyone needs some degree of validation. Knowing that someone sees what you’re going through, receiving praise for something you’ve worked hard on or hearing that someone appreciates your support can help you to feel seen, understood and connected.
It feels rewarding because humans are highly social beings. According to research , social approval can engage brain systems involved in reward processing. Social approval can signal acceptance and help fulfil our need to belong.
So, seeking validation isn’t something you need to stop doing entirely. It can become problematic when you become heavily dependent on other people’s approval to feel secure or worthwhile.
What is validation-seeking behaviour?
Validation-seeking means looking to other people for approval, praise or reassurance to feel secure in yourself, your choices or relationships. It’s something we all do sometimes, such as after an argument with your partner or when you’ve sent a project to your manager for approval.
But when the reassurance doesn’t last, or you increasingly rely on it to feel secure about yourself, your choices or your relationships, it can become unhelpful. For example:
Psychologists have studied a related pattern known as excessive reassurance seeking, which refers to repeatedly seeking reassurance about yourself or your relationships. Research has linked this pattern to depression and interpersonal difficulties.
Is validation addiction really an “addiction”?
Validation addiction isn’t a formally recognised mental health diagnosis. But the expression can capture something real about the experience: external validation can feel rewarding and repeatedly seeking it can become a difficult habit to break.
Research has found that social approval can activate brain systems involved in reward processing. Dopamine is one of several neurotransmitters involved in reward and motivation, but the experience of seeking validation is more complex than a simple “dopamine hit”. This may help explain why praise, likes and reassurance feel so rewarding and encourage us to seek them again.
Validation can also be unpredictable. You don’t know how many likes a post will get, whether someone will respond as you hoped or when you’ll get praise. In behavioural psychology, unpredictable rewards can reinforce persistent behaviour, which makes us more likely to keep checking or seeking the next positive response.
It can create a reinforcing cycle. Imagine you’re worried your partner is losing interest, so you ask, “Are we okay?” When they reassure you, it reduces your anxiety, but the doubt soon returns and you ask again. Because the reassurance provides short-term relief, you may be more likely to do it again whenever you feel uncertain.
That’s why validation seeking can feel addictive even though it’s not an addiction in the clinical sense. It also explains why simply telling yourself to stop often doesn’t work. Changing the pattern means learning to respond differently to the uncertainty or discomfort that triggers the urge in the first place.
How to stop seeking validation from others
As social beings, we naturally care about what others think and that’s why the aim isn’t to never seek reassurance again. Instead, the goal is to become less dependent on external feedback for your sense of security and self-worth.
1. Notice what happens before you seek validation
Change starts with curiosity. So, before immediately acting on the urge to seek validation, ask yourself: “What am I hoping they’ll tell me?”
For example, when you want to check your phone, ask whether you’re worried that someone is angry with you or whether you’re looking for reassurance about something you’ve done. Then pause before acting on the urge.
You’ll likely find that what you’re really looking for is reassurance that you’re loved, competent, attractive, safe or accepted. Naming the need can create a pause between the feeling and behaviour.
2. Delay rather than deny the urge
You don’t have to go from constant reassurance seeking to never asking anyone what they think again. Instead, try waiting for a while.
If you’d normally message someone immediately, wait ten minutes. If you want to check social media, finish what you’re doing first.
This helps you to practise sitting with uncertainty without resolving it immediately. Over time, you can gradually lengthen the gap and, in some instances, you might find that the urge to seek validation resolves itself.
3. Practise tolerating “I don’t know”
A lot of validation seeking is about removing uncertainty. Was the presentation good enough? Does she still like me? Did I do something wrong? Are they being unfaithful?
Sometimes there isn’t an immediate answer and for some of us that can feel excruciating. But sitting with the discomfort of uncertainty is a skill you can practise and strengthen over time.
So, before you react, pause and then try telling yourself, “I don’t know exactly what they thought, and I can tolerate not knowing right now.” The aim isn’t to convince yourself that everything is fine, but to learn that you can tolerate uncertainty without immediately needing to resolve it.
4. Savour something before you share it
When something good happens, notice the impulse to immediately tell somebody about it. Before you do, spend a moment just experiencing it yourself and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment without checking whether anyone else agrees.
This practice is called savouring: deliberately attending to and extending positive experiences. Research suggests that savouring interventions can enhance positive emotions and wellbeing. You can still share it afterwards but remember that somebody else’s reaction isn’t required to make the experience real.
5. Notice your effort, not just the verdict
When you heavily rely on external approval, experiences and decisions can become focused on other people’s reactions. Did they like it? Was it good enough? Did I succeed? Would they have done it this way?
Try shifting your attention towards what you actually did. So, instead of “Everyone thought my presentation was good”, try “I worked really hard on that and explained difficult concepts clearly.”
6. Make small decisions without asking
If you regularly ask others what they think before making a decision, practise with low-stakes choices, such as what to wear, what to order or how to spend an afternoon, without asking for anyone else’s approval. The aim is to learn that you can make decisions independently, tolerate the uncertainty that comes with them, and carry on.
You may feel uncomfortable at first, which is useful information. Each time you notice the urge without immediately acting on it, tolerate a little uncertainty or allow a positive experience to belong to you before sharing it, you’re practising a new way of responding.
It’s a gradual process, not an overnight fix, so focus on the small wins and have compassion when you fall back into old patterns.
How this connects to love addiction
Validation seeking can become particularly intense in romantic relationships.
Attention, affection and reassurance from a partner can temporarily create a strong sense of security, while distance or perceived rejection can trigger an equally strong need to reconnect. This may be experienced as intense anxiety or preoccupation with the relationship.
For some people, this may form part of a wider pattern described as “love addiction", where romantic attention and connection begin to feel necessary for emotional stability.
Like “validation addiction”, love addiction isn’t a formal diagnosis, although some experiences associated with it may involve reinforcement patterns that resemble those seen in addictive behaviours.
If you recognise this pattern of becoming heavily dependent on romantic attention or repeatedly pursuing a relationship despite harmful consequences, it may be worth exploring what’s behind it.
Getting support
Recognising that you rely heavily on other people’s approval doesn’t mean you need to stop wanting reassurance or become completely self-sufficient. Balance is the key: being able to enjoy connection, encouragement and praise without depending on them to feel good about yourself.
If validation seeking is affecting your relationships, self-esteem or emotional wellbeing, talking to a mental health professional can help you understand what’s driving the pattern and develop healthier ways of responding to it.
One-to-one therapy can provide a safe, confidential space to explore your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. If you feel ready to seek support, contact Priory on 0330 822 1482 to find out more about your treatment options.
