Quiet borderline personality disorder: signs, symptoms and support

What is quiet borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

There are four recognised types of borderline personality disorder (BPD), one of which is known as quiet BPD. It's also referred to as 'discouraged BPD' or 'high functioning BPD'. BPD is one of the 10 recognised types of personality disorders.

With other forms of BPD, a person will typically experience very intense negative emotions, such as anger, shame, sadness and guilt, which they outwardly display. For someone with quiet BPD, while they still experience these intense emotions, they tend to do so internally. This can cause them to lash out at themselves.

When someone has quiet BPD, it can be something that other people don't necessarily notice. As the person internalises their emotional pain, it can also make it more difficult for them to access the diagnosis and treatment they need.

Signs and symptoms of quiet BPD

Some of the common signs and symptoms of quiet BPD include:

Suffering internally with extreme emotional pain

• Experiencing extreme mood swings that last between a few hours and a few days, which the person keeps to themselves
• Feeling as though things affect them more than they do other people
• Trying to suppress or deny anger
• Feeling that it's always best to show a calm and happy exterior, despite struggling with inner turmoil

Blaming themselves

• Blaming or criticising themselves for things that go wrong, other people’s emotions or any conflicts they have with other people
• Analysing and scrutinising everything they do
• Believing that they deserve to be alone
• Believing they're annoying or a burden on other people, so keeping how they feel to themselves

Withdrawing and isolating themselves from others

• Isolating themselves when they feel angry or upset
• Withdrawing from people or cutting people off who have made them angry or upset
• Feeling as though they don’t have any real and true connections with others
• Feeling empty, numb and as though they're detached from the world
• Fearing new relationships as they believe they'll just end up getting hurt
• Telling themselves they're independent and they don’t need other people

Living with quiet BPD can be exhausting and incredibly debilitating. It can stop a person from being able to enjoy their everyday life, as they struggle to cope with the intense thoughts and emotions they experience. 

How to help someone with quiet BPD

If you're concerned that someone close to you has quiet BPD, or if someone you know has recently been diagnosed with the condition, there are things you can do to help.

Be understanding, empathetic and supportive

It can be difficult to know exactly what someone with quiet BPD is going through as they'll often keep a lot of it to themselves.

Remember, they'll be living with a lot of inner pain and turmoil. Let them know that you understand and acknowledge that they're dealing with very real and very strong emotions, and that you're here for them.

Try to find out any triggers and ask what you can do to support them in these times. Be honest about the support you can provide and be consistent in its delivery.

You may want to encourage the idea of accessing professional support if they haven’t done so already. Remind them that it's something that people with BPD do benefit from - treatment is available and can help them to feel better.

Keep lines of communication open

When someone has BPD, they can misconstrue a lack of recognition as a lack of appreciation. They may react excessively to a small or perceived slight. They can also struggle to read body language and non-verbal parts of a conversation.

Try to make your communication as clear as possible. Keep sentences short, simple and direct, especially when you’re talking about sensitive issues or topics that are triggers.

Also, keep lines of communication open by putting a weekly activity in the diary or sending them regular texts asking how they are. This will help to show the person that they do have people surrounding them who care.

Be consistent and someone they can trust

Someone with quiet BPD may pull away from you at times, often due to a fear that you'll abandon them or that they'll get hurt. If they do, remember that it's a symptom and a response to deep emotional pain, so don’t punish them or cut all ties.

Call or visit after a conflict to show that they're not abandoned. Demonstrate understanding and show that you haven’t given up on them. It can also help to remind them of their good qualities that make you want to continue the relationship.

Take suicidal thoughts and threats seriously

Sadly, self-harm and suicide are a risk amongst people with BPD. Take any mention of self-harm and/or suicide incredibly seriously and seek immediate support from their crisis team, or the emergency services if needed.

For further information, our blog on managing BPD in relationships contains plenty of additional advice and information.

Getting support for BPD

If you're struggling with quiet BPD yourself, we understand that the idea of reaching out and asking for help may make you feel incredibly uncomfortable.

But it's an important step that can help you start living a life that isn’t so difficult and isolative.

Getting a diagnosis

Our blog on the BPD diagnosis process covers the initial steps that you can take in order to start accessing support and treatment.

A diagnosis for quiet BPD will help you to get a better understanding of how and why you experience certain thoughts and emotions. It will also help you find the right treatment that will help you to start feeling better.

Accessing treatment

Treatment for personality disorders can vary from person to person depending on their individual symptoms and needs. Most people struggling with BPD will receive psychotherapy, which is the most recommended form of treatment.

Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and mentalisation-based therapy (MBT) are the types of therapy that are most commonly used.

These therapies provide you with a safe space to work through any pain you feel. They can help you to learn ways to assess and manage difficult thoughts and emotions, so they no longer cause inner torment, fracture relationships and prevent you from living life to the fullest.

Working with a consultant psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist can also help you to begin recognising the importance of expressing emotion, the beauty that exists in imperfection, and the fact that you deserve care and kindness, both from yourself and from others.