Grown and flown? When your children have left home there's some psychological readjustment to be done - and possibly some emotional turmoil to contend with.
Two Priory experts offer their advice.
Some parents feel a sense of loss but others want their lives back. Is that common?
Priory Psychotherapist, Willis Atherley-Bourne, based at the Priory Hospital Hayes Grove in Kent, says: “Making adjustments to our lives, even if it's planned or foreseen, is bound to raise an emotional response of some sort. There's no one fixed pattern for parents’ responses to their child leaving home. In some respects, being able to speak about and share plans beyond your child leaving home can be a positive experience that may still be sprinkled with moments of missing them. The getting used to not picking up wet towels from the bathroom floor, the bedroom that's now quiet and still, to the general sense of transitioning. The transition is about letting go of one type of relationship to allow another one to form and come into being. Similar feelings may emerge after each visit at the family home or upon returning from visiting their child.”
How do you let go of the guilt you might feel wanting to see your child ‘grown and flown’?
“An empty nest implies a void, when, in fact, the nest holds many memories, which are associated with the space. For instance, a chip in the wall or on the staircase is a connection to a moment in time that was shared as a family. Despite being apart, the chip still exists, therefore, the memory may exist, if we allow it to. Freedom is what we do with the memories we hold. For some, decorating certain spaces in the home allows for transformation of the old into a new space or even different usage. The main factor is to make changes according to your own timescales and whatever you feel is right, which may take several attempts.”
How do you put yourself first again?
“Psychologically, parents go through a period of loss, akin to grieving. However, in this instance, the aspect of bereavement is removed. Feelings of missing the child may be present, recalling conversations, hearing their voice or even glimpsing the child’s shape around the home. These are all normal parts of a child leaving home. They're missing from the space they once occupied. Agreeing a pattern of contact may assist in bridging the change by considering when contact might be had. For instance, a phone call on a Sunday or having a family social media group. Food often carries significance in many cultures, therefore, meal times may need to be considered as time of discomfort after your child has left home. There will be a need to shift the routines around meal times, cooking smaller portions, eating alone or without your child. These are all psychological adjustments.”
Do you have any practical tips for embracing the next stage of life?
“Speak with other parents who entering a similar stage. Give yourself permission to be emotional and cry if this is what you need to do. If possible, start a conversation about changes you may make to the home with your child before they leave. This is about giving notice, not seeking permission. Give thought to planning your time at home in the evenings. Encourage your child to make meals for themselves from time-to-time, and you do the same to allow yourself to experience eating with them. Where possible, maintain connections through physical or technological means.
Debbie Longsdale, Psychotherapist and Priory Therapy Services Director, adds:
“Guilt can be a complex emotion. It may feel helpful to ask why you can’t allow yourself to be happy, whose voice are you hearing in your head, and does that feel a helpful response? Our responses are very often unconsciously learnt and the more objective and ‘neutral’ we can be, the better chance you have at noticing and accepting your personal response. We may need to ‘unlearn’ some ‘rules for living’ that served us well when your family was young, but don’t feel quite so helpful now.
“Some people worry about all the time they find they now have. It’s important we recognise any links that have formed between being a parent and our self-worth. If we are no longer in ‘daily parent mode’ does that change who I am as a person? Do I still have value? What is my purpose?"
Should you plan ahead?
“It can be helpful to prepare and plan what you may do with your extra time and energy. Early distraction for people who find it hard can be very helpful. Reconnect with your own goals and what you'd like to achieve. You may not know what this is, so some exploration may be needed to try out new things. Equally, for people with established careers, some find it an opportunity to go for that promotion they always wanted, or to get involved in more projects, as there are less things competing for their time. Or perhaps plan that big holiday outside of school holidays and go to somewhere new. Some people will need an adjustment period too though – and that's OK – it's quite normal to feel waves of grief with sadness and tears. It's an emotional state that just needs some processing time.”
ENDS
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About Priory and MEDIAN
Priory is the UK’s leading independent provider of mental health services. We treat more than 70 conditions, including depression, anxiety, addictions and eating disorders, as well as children’s mental health, across our nationwide network of sites. We also support autistic adults and adults with a learning disability, Prader-Willi Syndrome and brain injuries, as well as older people, within our specialist residential care and supported living facilities – helping as many people as possible to live their lives.
Priory is part of the MEDIAN Group, one of Europe’s leading providers of high quality mental health and rehabilitation services. The MEDIAN Group comprises 290 facilities with 5,000 beds caring for 28,000 people in the UK, 120 facilities with 20,000 beds caring for around 250,000 patients in Germany, and 15 facilities with 2,000 beds caring for 13,000 people in Spain, with more than 29,000 employees overall.