School refusal: why it happens and how to help
Learn why children and teenagers may refuse school, how parents and schools can help, and when to seek professional support for school anxiety.
When your child becomes distressed about going to school, it can be difficult to know how to respond. You may be dealing with tears, arguments, physical complaints or requests to stay at home, while also worrying about their education.
What may look like defiance can be a sign that your child is struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, bullying, unmet needs or a health issue.
School attendance difficulties can affect the whole family, but support is available. In this article, we’ll explore possible causes, how to talk to your child and their school, and the different support options available.
What is school refusal?
School refusal is a commonly used term for when a child struggles to attend or remain in school. Although it can sound like a choice, it is often linked to emotional distress.
You may also hear the term emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA). This is not a diagnosis, but describes attendance difficulties linked to emotional, developmental, social or educational needs.
This can include missing whole days, arriving late, struggling to enter school, leaving early or avoiding certain lessons.
What is school anxiety and how is it linked to school refusal?
School anxiety describes significant worry or fear about attending school or particular aspects of school life. While some anxiety can be a normal part of growing up, it may need further attention if it becomes persistent, intense or starts preventing your child from attending school.
Avoiding school can bring short-term relief, but this may make returning feel even harder and create a cycle where anxiety and avoidance reinforce each other.
Signs that your child may be struggling with school attendance
School attendance difficulties don't always begin with a complete refusal to go to school. It can start with smaller changes that develop over time.
You might notice that your child:
Becomes increasingly anxious, tearful, irritable or withdrawn on school mornings
Complains of headaches, stomach aches or feeling unwell, particularly before school
Has difficulty getting dressed, eating breakfast or leaving the house on time
Repeatedly asks to stay home or asks to be collected early
Becomes distressed about particular lessons, teachers, days or activities
Arrives late regularly or consistently misses specific lessons
Becomes upset when school is mentioned, even outside of school hours
Appears extremely tired or overwhelmed after attending school
Seems relieved when they know they can stay at home
Becomes more withdrawn, irritable or emotional after returning from school
Attends some days but finds attendance increasingly difficult
Does school refusal look different in children and teenagers?
School attendance difficulties can look different depending on your child’s age.
Younger children may show distress more openly through crying, clinging, feeling unwell or becoming upset before school. Teenagers may be more likely to withdraw, become irritable or avoid talking about school, while also facing pressures around friendships, exams, puberty and growing independence.
Why might a child refuse to go to school?
There may not be one clear reason why your child finds school attendance difficult; several factors can overlap and exasperate the situation. What initially caused the problem may not be the same as what keeps it going.
Possible factors can include:
The child’s emotional needs: Anxiety, low mood, low confidence, difficulty with emotional regulation, sensory challenges or unmet developmental needs can all make school life feel harder.
The school environment: Bullying, friendship difficulties, conflict with teachers, academic pressure, classroom demands, noisy spaces or difficult transitions can all affect a child’s ability to cope with school.
Learning or additional needs: A child may struggle when their learning style or cognitive abilities are not adequately understood or supported. This can include children with conditions such as ADHD or autism, although attendance difficulties can affect children with or without a diagnosis.
Home or family circumstances: Difficulties at home, changes in family relationships, caring responsibilities or concerns about a parent or sibling can greatly affect children's experience at school.
Significant changes or life events: Bereavement, moving house, changing school, illness or other major changes can get in the way of children’s capacity for progressing in their education.
What to do if your child refuses to go to school
The immediate aim is to understand what is making attendance difficult for them, reducing the unnecessary distress of them struggling alone. You can then work towards helping them feel happier about going to school.
Talk to your child about what is making school difficult
Have a conversation about school when your child is relatively calm, rather than during a difficult morning when their emotions and stress levels are high.
Ask gentle questions and listen to their response, without immediately challenging, correcting or trying to solve what they tell you.
Helpful questions to ask may include:
Respond compassionately to what they tell you, showing them that you are understanding and validating their emotions, taking any disclosures about bullying, abuse, discrimination or feeling unsafe seriously.
Your child may not know the answer, or they may find it difficult to talk about what is happening. You could try other forms of communication, for example drawing, writing things down or agreeing to talk at a time that feels better for them. Let them know you’ll be there to listen whenever they feel ready.
Respond to difficult school mornings
If your child becomes distressed before school, try to stay calm, keep the morning predictable and avoid prolonged arguments. Clear, calm encouragement is usually more helpful than bribes, threats, punishment or shame.
If they are unable to attend, contact the school and explain what has happened. Avoid physically forcing a distressed child into school.
Keep a record of patterns
Taking notes on what your child tells you, and keeping a record of behaviour and life events, can help you and school teams identify what may be contributing to their school refusal.
You could write down:
You don’t have to document every difficult moment in detail. The aim is to identify anything that can inform conversations with your child, school or professionals, rather than to monitor or challenge your child’s account.
How can the school help?
You don’t have to work out the solution to school refusal on your own, school staff are there to help you.
Follow these four steps for initiating a constructive conversation with the school.
Who to contact
Start with your child’s teacher, form tutor, pastoral team, SENCO or attendance lead.
What to discuss
Share any changes you’ve noticed and ask what the school has observed.
What to agree
Create a plan that addresses the barriers affecting your child’s attendance and the support they need.
When to review
Agree a main contact, how you’ll keep in touch and when progress will be reviewed.
Department for Education guidance encourages schools, families, pupils and other services to work together to identify and address barriers to attendance.
Helping your child return to school
When your child returns to school, the plan should reflect why attendance became difficult and be agreed with your child, family and school. Some children may benefit from a gradual return, while others may need a different approach based on their individual needs.
Keep in contact with the school during longer absences and help your child maintain connections with trusted staff, friends and learning where possible. Progress may not always be straightforward, and setbacks can help identify where the plan needs to be adjusted.
When is school refusal serious?
The seriousness of school attendance difficulties can be understood by the frequency, duration and intensity of the problem.
It may be time to seek further support if:
Your child's attendance is continuing to deteriorate
They have stopped engaging with education
School-based support has not improved the situation
Distress around school is becoming more intense
Their sleep, eating, mood or behaviour has changed significantly
They have withdrawn from friends or activities they previously enjoyed
Family life is being substantially affected
When to seek professional support
If support from school isn’t enough, your GP, school health team or local children’s mental health services may be able to help as a good first step. They can assess your child’s emotional wellbeing and explore whether anxiety, mental health difficulties or neurodevelopmental needs may be affecting attendance.
Priory offers a specialist EBSA programme, designed to support children and young people who are experiencing emotional distress around attending school.
This five-week face-to-face programme supports young people aged 12 to 18 to rebuild confidence in education and prepare for a return to school. It is delivered by specialist education staff and occupational therapists at the Hospital School at Priory Roehampton.
Parents and carers can self-refer, and referrals are also accepted from healthcare and education professionals. You can also find out more about Priory’s private CAMHS assessments.
Taking the next step
If you’re concerned about your child’s mental health or wellbeing, seeking support early can help bring clarity and reassurance. At Priory, support starts with an assessment designed to build a clearer picture of your child’s needs and guide you towards the most appropriate next steps.