What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, care and understanding you would offer someone you love. Instead of responding to setbacks, mistakes or difficult emotions with self-criticism, you meet yourself with patience, acceptance and support.
Self-compassion has three main components:
- Self-kindness: speaking to yourself with care and understanding
- Common humanity: remembering that mistakes, stress, and difficult emotions are part of being human
- Mindfulness: noticing your thoughts and feelings without pushing them away or becoming overwhelmed by them
Learning these ways of thinking can help you respond to life’s challenges in a more balanced, supportive and productive way.
What self-compassion is not
Self-compassion is not about avoiding responsibility or pretending everything is fine.
It means responding to yourself with honesty and kindness when things go wrong. You can acknowledge your mistakes, take responsibility for them, and learn from the experience without attacking yourself in the process.
Responding with compassion is often more conducive to change than harsh self-criticism is.
Why is self-compassion important?
There’s a lot of pressure from society to be “perfect” and sometimes we may internalise this notion, which can make normal setbacks and disappointments more difficult to deal with.
We all make mistakes and experience difficult emotions at times. While you can’t always get everything right or control what happens to you, you can gradually learn to respond in healthier ways.
Practising self-compassion can help you to:
- Reduce harsh self-criticism
- Approach difficult emotions with curiosity rather than judgement, for example asking “What am I feeling right now?” instead of telling yourself “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”
- Recover from mistakes constructively e.g., “How can I learn from this?” rather than “I always get it wrong”
- Build emotional resilience
- Support your wellbeing during times of stress
- Feel less alone in your struggles
- Develop a heathier relationship with yourself
While it’s not a cure for mental health difficulties or low self-esteem, self-compassion can make difficult experiences feel more manageable and can complement other forms of support.
How to practise self-compassion
Self-compassion is a skill that develops with practice. If you’ve spent years being self-critical, it’s completely normal to feel unfamiliar with treating yourself with kindness and understanding. The aim isn’t to eliminate self-critical thoughts altogether, but to notice them and gradually learn to respond to them in a kinder way.
Here are some ways to get started:
Notice your thoughts
Thoughts tend to happen automatically, including the self-critical ones. So, the first step is to become aware of them.
When something goes wrong, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
- “What am I saying to myself right now?”
- “Would I speak to a loved one in this way?”
- “Is this thought going to help me to move forward?”
Noticing your inner dialogue can create an opportunity to choose a more compassionate response.
Name what you’re feeling
Identifying and naming your emotions can help you to acknowledge them without pushing them away or becoming consumed by them. Try to identify the emotion without judging it, for example:
- “I’m feeling angry”
- “I’m feeling disappointed”
- “I’m feeling embarrassed”
Say it out loud
Try saying your self-critical thoughts out loud. Hearing them spoken aloud can help you to recognise how harsh and unfair they really are. It also creates some distance from those thoughts, making it easier to respond with kindness and compassion instead.
Offer kindness
Imagine someone you care about is going through your situation or experiencing the feelings you are - what would you say to them?
You would likely offer reassurance, kindness, encouragement, and understanding rather than criticism. Try directing those words to yourself.
You could close your eyes and take a breath, putting your hand on your heart if that feels okay for you, and then saying (or thinking): “This is difficult right now, and it’s okay to find it hard. I’ll try to be kind to myself in this moment.”
Sometimes that might mean being kind on yourself too. When it all feels too much, be kind to yourself. That might mean having a rest day, getting an early night, or just deciding some of the things on your to-do list can wait.
Remember that struggling is part of being human
When you’re struggling, it’s normal to feel like you’re the only person who feels this way. But in reality, we all experiences setbacks, self-doubt and emotional pain at some point in our lives.
Reminding yourself that suffering is a normal part of life, and that you are not alone in your feelings, can make you feel less alone and help you to respond with greater understanding.
Focus on what you need right now
Self-compassion isn’t only about kind words and how you speak to yourself. It is also about looking after your body, slowing down and being gentle with yourself; examples of self-compassion include:
- Taking a break and getting some rest
- Practising grounding techniques such as meditation or breathing exercises
- Asking someone for support
- Eating nutritious meals
- Giving yourself a hug or massaging your neck, hands or feet
- Going for a walk
- Getting regular exercise
Anything you do to care for yourself with kindness and understanding can be considered an act of self-compassion.
Here are some examples of self-critical thoughts and compassionate responses:
When to seek support
Practising self-compassion is a helpful way to improve your relationship with yourself. But sometimes it can be persistent or be part of wider mental health struggles that may require additional support.
It may be helpful to seek professional support if self-criticism, shame, or other difficult emotions are causing you to feel unable to cope with life or avoid work, education, or social situations.
If you're experiencing thoughts of self-harm or feel that life isn't worth living, it's important to seek help immediately. Contact your GP, call 999 if you're at immediate risk, or go to your nearest Accident and Emergency (A&E) department.
You can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123, free of charge, 24-hours-a-day, for confidential emotional support.
At Priory, our experienced therapists can help you build self-compassion, challenge unhelpful patterns of self-criticism and develop practical strategies to support your mental wellbeing.
FAQs
How do I start practising self-compassion?
Start small rather than trying to transform the way you think overnight. Begin by noticing when you’re being self-critical and offer yourself the same kindness you’d give someone you care about. Over time, replacing harsh judgements with kinder thoughts becomes easier.
Why do I find self-compassion so hard?
It’s common to grow up believing that being hard on yourself helps you to stay motivated or avoid failure. So, if you’ve been self-critical for a long time, responding with kindness can feel unnatural or uncomfortable. Like any skill, self-compassion becomes easier with regular practice.
Is self-compassion the same as self-care?
Self-care refers to the actions you take to look after your mental and physical wellbeing, like getting enough sleep and exercising. Self-compassion is the way you relate to yourself, particularly during difficult moments. Whilst they’re not the same, they often work well together.
What is a self-compassion break?
A self-compassion break is a short exercise you can use during difficult moments. It typically involves pausing to acknowledge that you’re struggling, reminding yourself that difficult experiences are part of being human, and offering yourself words of kindness and encouragement.